2/12/2011 leaving a Piece of ME behind

This is they day I have regretted the day I would be discharged and separated form my baby! This is the day when I would think about it i would push it to the back of my head this is the day I feared the day I don't know if i could SURVIVE! This is the fifth day! I wake up after tossing and turning all night I slowly walk to the shower and turn on the water look in the mirror and burst into tears and plead with the Lord to help me i get in the shower and I literly ball the whole time I'm in there. I get out get dressed and I can't stop the tears i just let them fall and silently I cry! Marcos walks in and he knows he knows this is the day i feared even the day he has feared wondering if i would be OK wondering if i would get depressed wondering what he can do to help. He come gets my hand and smiles and says Good Morning My Pinnacle of Love (something he has called me since we've been married) i whisper good morning then i burst into tears and he caresses my head and doesn't utter a word. I look at him and say today I'm leaving the baby is staying what will I do? how can i Leave my Lil baby? I then tell him very defensively I DO NT WANT ANYONE TELLING ME IT'S OK HES IN A BETTER PLACE!! I know he is but i don't want to hear that it's natural for me to want to take my baby home that's the way it was designed to have a baby and take them home!! Then I sob i waited 10 years and I'm going home empty!! I quickly correct myself tell Marcos I'm sorry and say at least he's not sick he just has to grow! Marcos swallows hard and says babe I'm going to tell you gently the baby will have to stay he might even have to stay for a Month but together were going to get through this he's going to be fine and your going to be OK too. He kisses my forehead and says lets go see OUR baby! we walk to the fourth floor and we enter I look at Zacariah and I want to cry I know I'm not going to be able to do it without crying i keep clearing my throat I don't want my baby to Know I'm sad! I whisper Zacariah I LOVE YOU with all my Heart! Your MY Lil FIGHTER your my LIL Champ Im holding him and yep the tears come streaming down!! Marcos gets up grabs Zacariah kisses him and tells him I have to take mommy home she needs to rest but we'll be back tomorrow I LOVE U Zacariah he tells the nurse were leaving the nurse comes over and hugs me and tells me the first day is always the hardest you'll be OK were going to take real good care of Zacariah and if you can't sleep you call us and we'll talk to you. I thank her and walk out and in silence i walk to my room get my belongings and we leave! My dad is waiting for me since I'll be going home and he'll be driving me while Marcos goes to the pharmacy and gets all the meds the Dr. ordered for me i slowly climb in the car and look at my dad and cry I don't want to leave my baby i don't want to leave him my mom rubs my shoulders my neck my back and tells me Mija don't cry no more your going to be okay and so is he! I cry the whole way home. I get home and Nathaniel is waiting for me he comes rushing out of the house and I climb out of the car he says HI Mom I look at him and start crying again! He just looks at me and I say I'm sorry i hold him tight release him and walk inside go straight to my room lay down and cry. I hear my mom whispering to Nathaniel probably telling him how come I'm crying. I reach for my phone and TeX my Sissy and tell her to Pray for me cause I'm so Sad! She replies she is praying for me and she Loves me! Marcos comes in he looks at me and says I'm Here I'm making You some dinner okay your parents will be right back. I look at him and scream I WANT MY BABY I WANT MY BABY I'm crying uncontrollably my whole body is shaking and I'm crying Please BRING ME MY BABY!! Marcos comes to my side and puts his arms around me and say go ahead cry let it out I'M HERE and I cry and cry and when i don't think i can cry No more I'm still crying he lets this go on for a good while then he said OK Rita wash your face and Stop crying were going to call and check on Zacariah I get up and Like a robot wash my face for along time and when I'm done i get the phone and dial the Number that's already saved on my phone!